


if we touch hands, will i lose you?

by neviridian



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Falling In Love, Ghost Lee Taeyong, Ghosts, Human Mark Lee (NCT), Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Loneliness, M/M, Past Abuse, Sad Ending, Suicide, a bit fast-paced maybe, i think this has a
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27439327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neviridian/pseuds/neviridian
Summary: Mark was a lonely college student and Taeyong was a lonely ghost.They met, and fell in love.
Relationships: Mark Lee/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 6
Kudos: 26





	if we touch hands, will i lose you?

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired to write my first NCT fic after reading [MrTYTrack's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrTYTrack/pseuds/MrTYTrack) series of [MarkYong Asylum Fics](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975399). Seriously, they are so awesome. I didn't want to post this at first, but oh well.
> 
> Important things first: This is a work of fiction! None of the people and their personality represented here in the story are associated with me or this work in any way and are purely fictional, and they have absolutely no resemblance to the characters in this story. Also, read the tags please. If this is not for you, then don't read it.
> 
> The title is from [BTS - Butterfly](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z4o7-6cFUF8)
> 
> Tw: suicide
> 
> Anyway, English isn't my first language, but please enjoy <3

Ever since the boy could remember, he was lonely.

It was now over 50 years ago since he woke up. He didn't remember who he was besides his name or where he was.

The weather was clear but it wasn't a warm day despite the sun shining brightly. It was only when he looked down that he was standing on soft, green grass with his bare feet. The air smelled a bit like lavender, but when he searched for the tiny flowers he didn't find any.

The boy was standing in the middle of a field without knowing where to go.

There was a tiny forest on the edge of the horizon and on the other side a narrow winding road that led to a small hill. There were no cars or other humans anywhere.

The only sound that existed was the wind that hissed through the air. He began to walk.

It was aimless wandering. It didn't matter in what direction he went or how long he walked, there was nothing. No bird, no insect, nothing besides the sound of the wind and the feeling of uncertainty. It started to get dark and the few clouds that gathered in the sky were tinted in a dark color.

He looked up. The sky behind them was a blend between orange and blue. It was a surprisingly ugly hue. There were also tiny stars that looked rather pathetic and could only be seen if you looked close enough. Soon the clouds would have covered the sky and they wouldn't be seen anymore anyway.

That was the first time when he noticed that the temperature did not change. It was always cold, from the moment he woke up until now, when the night fell.

The boy stopped. His feet were dirty from walking all day, but he was not exhausted.

He laid down on the grass and closed his eyes. Maybe it was all just a dream and he would wake up where he belonged, where he remembered who he was.

His wish did not come true.

The boy was woken up by a sharp and shrill sound. He jumped up in surprise but when he looked around he didn't see anything. Did he only imagine it?

His head still pounded a bit from the sudden activity and he had to sit down again. When he lifted his head and observed the view in front of him he wondered if he would ever get somewhere.

Eventually, he did.

After walking endless hours he couldn't believe his eyes. There were tiny shapes that looked like the roofs of houses. Was there really a tiny town there?

The small village contained only a few houses but that didn't matter to him. It was the first sign of civilisation that he had since waking up. He walked into the village and looked around.

He felt relieved when he saw a middle-aged man walking on the sidewalk. Wanting to know where he was he went into the man's direction, ready to ask.

However, the man didn't notice him. At first he thought that the man might just be ignoring him since he kinda did look a bit dirty, but he stood right in front of him.

And the man went right through him.

There was no way how he could have explained that. It was as if he wasn't even there, like thin air.

His shock didn't go away. He tried to grab the man's shoulder, but he wasn't able to feel anything. Yelling didn't help because no one heard him.

Tears welled up in his eyes. Taeyong truly was alone.

-

_“You are so ungrateful! I'm working my ass off, while you're still home and getting bad grades!” His father smashed the empty bottle of wine on the wall right next to the boy. It wasn't anything new. It went like this every time the man got drunk._

_“Your mother might have been a whore, but she didn't raise you like that!”_

_The boy heard this nearly every day. There was nothing he could do, it was all he ever knew. There was one other thing he knew, though._

_It surely would get him killed if he stayed any longer._

-

Taeyong didn't stay in that village. He travelled somewhere else instead.

There were many towns he went to and visited and there weren't many places he hasn't been to. Sometimes he stayed only a few days, sometimes even a year or two. It depended on how much he actually liked the place and the people there.

Before he knew it, over 50 years had passed.

He was in South Korea for now and spent his days in Seoul for the time being. Over time he learned a few things about himself. For example that he could actually wear other clothes than the ones he wore on the day he woke up. However, once he wore them they disappeared from the sight of a human. The same thing happened with food or other items, once he held them in his hands they vanished for the other's eye.

Taeyong didn't need sleep either, but from time to time it was nice to just close his eyes and forget the world around him. And finding somewhere to stay wasn't that hard for him, since no one could see him.

He usually stayed in empty flats where the owners were on vacation or something similar. It worked for him since they never noticed that he was there anyway. Well, at least until now.

“Who the fuck are you?” A younger boy yelled.

Taeyong flinched and turned around in shock. There was no way that he could've meant him, right? But there was no other person around, they were alone in the house. So, how...?

“Me?” The boy stared at Taeyong as if he was insane. The latter began to panic. There was no way that he meant him. It just wasn't possible.

“Do you see anyone else around here? Of course I mean you!” His voice was loud and it pierced through Taeyong's head. It sounded unpleasant.

_How can he see me? Am I imagining this?_

While he was still confused the other boy grabbed a small knife that was on the table next to him. He was shaking and he knew that he wouldn't be ready to defend himself it the stranger really wanted to hurt him. It was more of a safety measure and as a deterrent than anything else. How did he even come inside? There weren't any damages on the front door and as far as he knew this was the fifth floor. There was no way that he could've come through the window.

“Listen, I don't know how you can even see me,” _What was that supposed to mean?_ “but I won't hurt you.”

Mark scoffed. “That's rich, coming from someone who just broke into my flat.”

Taeyong wondered how he could convince him that he was saying the truth. Despite knowing that the boy couldn't really hurt him he still felt nervous. This was the fist time he ever talked to someone since waking up, and because he still had a hard time remembering his past, it may even be his very first time talking to someone. Wait, he couldn't hurt him...?

That gave him an idea. He took a few steps forward to the frightened boy who looked like he was about to cry. 

When he was right in front of him he slowly held his hand out. The younger was shaking and completely froze up and Taeyong honestly felt guilty for forcing him in this situation. He only did this because he knew the outcome.

When his hand reached Mark's skin everything happened exactly like he anticipated. His hand went right through the other body as if he wasn't even there.

“...what?”

“I told you that I won't hurt you. I couldn't even if I wanted.” The poor boy was so confused. _He probably thinks he's hallucinating._

“Even if I wasn't so sure of that before, I can assure you that I'm real.”

“I need to fucking sleep.” He went straight to his bedroom and slammed the door, leaving a dumbfounded ghost behind.

Well, he could wait. It wasn't like he has anywhere to be, so he let his mind wander.

-

_“Mum, please don't leave me!” The little boy sobbed on the other side of the bed. They didn't have any money for a hospital, so she had to stay at home without any possibility of getting the treatment she needed._

_She was way too weak to even speak anymore. Her skin was cold and everyone knew that this was her deathbed. The boy's father didn't care. The only think the man knew was that he had to take care of this kid now while he didn't have any money to even take care of himself._

_Alcohol was the man's lifelong friend._

-

The next morning Mark fully expected to be alone and that last night was just a joke his mind told him to get more sleep. It wasn't his fault that he had to work harder on the last project since his partner botched it.

He did expect to be alone. Instead, he was greeted by the same boy in the tiny living room.

Mark let out a sudden shriek. The other was startled by that and although he didn't hold anything, he would've let it fall to the ground if he did.

The younger took a sharp turn right back into his room and successfully managed to bump his little toe against the door. “Ow, for fuck's sake!” He heard a little giggle from the living room.

“There's nothing funny about it! I'm seriously in pain.” He intended to sound angry, but it was more of a whine. Curse his voice. The stranger slowly approached him again, but this time he strangely didn't feel threatened.

“So I... didn't hallucinate then? You're real?” _Maybe I'm just going crazy. No wonder with what's happening in the world._

“Hmm... I don't know how I just explain it to you, but I'm not exactly 'real',” he used his fingers to gesture quotation marks for the last words, “but I'm also not 'not-real'. You're the first person that is able to see me.”

Mark sat down on his bed. “You're shitting me.”

The elder sat down on the ground in front of him. “Unfortunately, I am not.”

“So you're what, a ghost? And I'm supposed to believe that?”

“I don't care what you believe. But you're the only person who can see me and I wanna know why.”

Mark sighed. “So you're not gonna leave me alone then?” He ran his hands though his hair. “At least tell me your name, ghost boy.”

“I'm Taeyong. Nice to meet you, I guess?”

“Cool. I'm Mark.”

-

Being with the human was surprisingly easy. He was nice, and even though he pretended that he didn't care, Taeyong knew that he secretly looked after the ghost.

They got on friendly terms rather fast and living together felt easy. The only thing that was hard was that they couldn't even touch each other. There was one time when Mark tripped and fell, and Taeyong rushed to him on instinct but wasn't able to catch him.

Why was Mark able to see him, but not touch him?

This question was in both of their heads but it was never answered. Time went on and they got experimental. Whenever Mark had his friends around Taeyong was also there. He sometimes stole their stuff and when they wondered where it was he would put it in the strangest places just for them to wonder how it got there.

One day when they got home and Mark was tired, the elder still wanted to tease him.

“I'm really tired, so please let me sleep.” He already was half asleep while saying that. There was no point in trying to annoy Mark when he wouldn't answer him anyway. He had no other choice besides leaving him alone for now.

There was no way he felt tired, however, he still tried to take a nap. The boy didn't really sleep since he didn't see the point in it, but for now it seemed like the only thing to do.

So, Taeyong laid down besides the other boy on his bed and stared at him.

He swore that if he had a heartbeat, it would surely beat like crazy right now. It was the first time he saw Mark so close.

His normally chocolate brown eyes were closed and his eyelashes covered the faint lines of the circles under his eyes. Mark's messy brown hair was all over his forehead and it honestly looked really cute.

_If only I could touch him._

But he couldn't, no matter how much he wished it. There was just no way, even if Mark was the only human that could see him, there was no being he could touch him without floating right through him.

Even though he knew that he still reached out for him. He wondered how it felt like to be warm again, or how his skin would feel like. Taeyong tried to remove the few strands of hair that fell into Mark's eyes, and didn't even notice what happened.

The soft hair had tickled his skin.

-

_His dad was a simple worker and didn't have nearly enough money, like everyone else around them. When his emotions acted up again and he brought alcohol instead of food he ended up spending the night with a prostitute. She was the boy's mother._

_After a few months she was standing on the doorstep of his measly flat and together they decided that they might make enough money to survive together. They didn't love each other then, and they never fell in love after that. They just stayed together out of convenience._

_He was born on a warm day in summer._

-

College was hard, talking to other people was hard, and feelings were even harder. Mark learned this the hard way when he suddenly had a breakdown out of nowhere in a public bathroom.

He still had one class left, but he really didn't feel like going. Mark was good for nothing in the condition he was in so it didn't even matter if he went home now.

So here he was, standing in the subway, waiting to get home. It was overfilled with other people.

Sometimes he just felt like this. One moment everything was okay and the next he just felt like the biggest piece of shit on earth.

He didn't know if coming home to another person being there was actually a bad thing or a good thing. Normally, he prefers to be alone in these kind of situations, but Taeyong was somehow the only exception.

“Mark, what happened?” The ghost carefully asked once he saw the bloodshot eyes from Mark. He had been crying on his way home, earning him a few strange looks from strangers. 

“Nothing, nothing fucking happened. And that's the problem. I was just overwhelmed by the stupidest things.”

How would Taeyong be helpful in this kind of situation? He wasn't the best talker but he couldn't leave him like this. He knew that it wasn't possible, however, it was the thought that counted, right? 

He pulled his arms around the other boy and stayed in this hug-like position. For the first time since waking up, he felt warm. Mark radiated warmth, and Taeyong had been able to feel it. How could it be?

Taeyong couldn't feel Mark's skin, or Mark in general, but he definitely felt the warmth from him. When he saw the boy's expression, he knew that he felt it, too.

“Taeyong, your...skin is so cold.” Mark tried to grasp the ghost, but his hand went through him. The only thing he felt was the coldness around him. However, it wasn't an unwelcoming shiver that ran down his spine. Instead it felt like a windy breeze on a cold autumn day.

“How is this possible?”

“I don't know, but that's a good thing, right? That you can feel this?” Taeyong wasn't so sure. Until now he was just a simple ghost. He didn't have to think about this too much since he didn't even think that there was someone who could see or touch him.

Being able to feel something meant being alive. And ghosts were not alive. They died and were unable to ever enter the world of the living again. This was the ground rule that could not be broken no matter what. He met some other beings like him, unable to go into their afterlife. They all desperately tried to hold onto the world and their loved ones, but deep down they all knew that there was nothing they could do.

So this was anything but a good sign. But could he tell him? There was nothing he could do, and as long as he still had something to do on earth he couldn't go on to afterlife. The only problem was that he didn't even know what exactly his subconsciousness wanted.

He didn't need to tell Mark for now, though. He will worry about it later. For now, he needs to comfort the younger.

-

Mark didn't know what to think when he first saw that stranger in his home.

His first thought was _'Shit, he's gonna kill me'_ , but the older male just looked at him in panic and confusion. Mark wanted to chase him away by trying to threaten him with a knife, though he never seriously intended to use it.

There really wasn't even remotely anything funny about this. So why did the man stare at him like that? If he wanted to kill him, then he should just get this over and done with.

Mark didn't think that the boy was actually a ghost and he was the only one able to see him. He thought that, maybe, that was the joke. He was the only one to give this lonely boy comfort while he himself had asked others for that his entire life. Heaven must be laughing at him now.

Nevertheless, he let Taeyong stay. He was actually fun to be around. 

He didn't expect to fall in love with him, though. And that was an obvious problem.

The night were Taeyong slept next to him he definitely felt how the elder tried to play with his hair, even if it was only tickling for a bit. And the day he came home crying he felt how Taeyong hugged him. There was never a solid skin contact, but it felt like progress.

So why was there always such a sad expression on Taeyong's face?

He wanted the ghost to feel better, he wanted him to he happy. Being alone for all this time must've been painful, Mark couldn't imagine how he would feel in this situation. He wanted to be there for Taeyong, but it felt like the elder had been there for him instead. How could he not fall in love? He was sure that if Taeyong wasn't a ghost he would've confessed already.

It was too bad that Taeyong was dead already. It didn't stop Mark, though. So when he saw how the boy had nightmares in his already rare sleep, he had to wake him up somehow.

He tried to blow air into his face but Taeyong only gave him a slight twitch of his eyebrow in response. Of course trying to shake his shoulder wouldn't work.

Mark leaned down closer to Taeyong's face and stared at him. His little mark under his eye was honestly adorable. He wondered how he never paid attention to that before.

Then a thought came into his head. Maybe, just this once, he could try something. There was a split second of bravery and he leaned in. His lips touched the other's and he felt warm inside, despite Taeyong's skin being so cold. It was only a fast peck, but it worked. The surprise of him actually being able to touch the ghost lessened the second Taeyong opened his eyes.

“what...? Mark?” 

“You're finally awake.” Taeyong felt tears well up in his eyes. This was the fist time in 50 years that he felt physical contact with another human. He forgot how warm they were, and what they felt like.

It was overwhelming.

It was so overwhelming that he wanted to cry, so he embraced Mark tightly and buried his head in the younger's shoulder to hide.

“Please don't leave me.”

“I won't.”

-

Rediscovering physical affection wasn't easy for the ghost. He kept getting overwhelmed by the tiniest touches that Mark gave him, but that didn't mean that he didn't yearn for more. He was ready to take from Mark what he could.

They both collectively decided to ignore that Taeyong slowly started to disappear.

It started in his fingertips and toes, they were gradually becoming more transparent. At first they thought that they imagined it, but then it spread.

Taeyong already knew why this was happening.

When he had the time to think about it, the answer was easy. Ghosts remained on earth when they had the strong wish to complete a task they left unfinished or to say goodbye to their loved ones.

He did not possess such a task, nor did he have anyone he loved. It was he himself who had the desire to feel loved, and so he remained on earth, searching for someone who was able to love him.

And now this love was the reason he was disappearing, since he found someone who fulfilled his reason to stay on earth.

He had to leave and he had no other choice.

Telling Mark wasn't easy. It tore his heart apart when he saw the crushed expression. For now, they had to use the rest of their time that they had left.

Taeyong loved Mark with his entire being. But he also hated it, he hated that he couldn't be alive to be next to him, that he couldn't be with him forever. He so desperately wanted to be a human and spend his time with the boy as a normal boyfriend with normal issues, not with ones were they both knew that he could disappear at any second.

He wanted to be with Mark forever, but he knew that his time was up.

-

_His father's hands were on his throat. He struggled to get air in his lungs but it seemed more and more difficult the more seconds passed._

_He silently wondered if this was how he died. There was always this concept in his head that he would die by the shards of an empty bottle, but this wasn't so bad. At least there wasn't any blood, because he hated having a mess more than anything._

_He blacked out._

-

“Taeyong, please promise me that you won't disappear. You have to promise me that you will not disappear right in front of me, please, please...” The younger boy begged again and again. His tears were dripping down his face and soaked his shirt alongside the rain. He felt so unbelievably cold, like his entire body was covered in ice.

The older boy looked at him. Both knew the truth. Taeyong could not stay. His time was up. Mark knew that the grim reapers would soon come for his soul.

“Mark, listen to me. We both knew that this time would come someday. It just happens to be now.”

He inhaled deeply, his voice was shaky and he wanted to cry. Taeyong lifted both of his hands to clench the other's face between them. His cheeks were cold and the elder felt a wave of disappointment go through him that he wouldn't feel the warm skin of his favourite person ever again. 

“Thank you for showing me how to be alive again.”

Upon hearing these words Mark immediately took the other's hands between his and gave them a firm squeeze. Taeyong thought that he was even pretty while crying. It really wasn't fair. Why wasn't he allowed to meet him when he was a human? Where he would've been able to hold him in his arms? He leaned in for one last kiss. Mark's lips were just as soft as he remembered.

“Mark, you have to let go now,” he whispered as soon as the kiss was over. Mark couldn't see clearly through his tears.

The rain poured down on them. Like tiny needles they landed on their skin. The younger boy shook his head.

“You'll be gone the moment I let go.”

“Please, Mark. You still have so much time in your hands, so much to do, while I was never meant to be in the world of the living. You cannot hold me forever. Please let go, for the sake of both of us.” Taeyong tried to pull away. Though Mark's grip was hard enough that it would surely bruise a normal human it couldn't do anything against him.

He looked down on the devastated human in front of him and tried to smile. He didn't want Mark's last memories of him to be one where he was crying. He was sure that it didn't really work well since he felt how his muscles in his face winced.

Now that he didn't have any contact to the other boy anymore his skin began to wither away. It began in his fingertips until it gradually worsened up to his arms.

“I love you.” 

That were his last words for the younger. Light blue light emitted from his body and he began to vanish into the cold air. Mark was on the ground begging him to stay, but Taeyong wasn't able to say anything any longer. He would finally be gone now, and he would be where he really belonged.

They say that home is where the heart is, and he doubted that he would've been able to give Mark a true home when he didn't have a heart to begin with. _'Ah shit, I will really miss him in my afterlife.'_

He was gone.

Mark clasped his hands on the spot where Taeyong was standing just seconds ago. His weeping was just barely silenced by the loud sound of the rain.

“Don't leave me, don't leave me. I'm begging you Taeyong. Don't leave me behind.”

He knew that he would never come back. His time on earth has expired and now there was no going back.

Mark never felt so, so lonely before.

-

It was only a month later when he found himself in his old childhood bedroom in his parent's house. It was still exactly like he remembered when he left it for the first time when he went to college. There was his small bed in one corner and the closet next to it. In the other corner was his desk that he had barely used back then.

His mother was worried sick for him. He wouldn't talk to them, he wouldn't leave his room and he wouldn't even eat anything. He was literally torturing himself.

She wondered _'Why would he do this?'_ Just after he looked the happiest he has ever been he now looked like he was on the verge of death. What changed? What made him like this?

Her questions were never answered. No matter how much she tried she couldn't get him out of his bedroom. Whenever she entered it he was just laying down on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He did that for the whole day.

She knew that he wouldn't answer but he tried to talk to him nonetheless. She asked him to see a therapist but he never showed any reaction. When she appointed one to come to them instead Mark wouldn't talk to him.

She tried everything, but nothing worked. He son was literally dying in front of her but there was nothing that she could do. She knew that, really, but nothing prepared her for what she would see once she came home from work all day.

She just wanted to peek into the room, so see if Mark has done something different since she still had a bit of hope inside of her, and it really was different this time.

There was a rope tied to the ceiling and on the other end was hanging a body. 

It was her son.

She never screamed so loud before. The noise alarmed her husband and he ran to his wife to see what was wrong. He gasped.

When the police arrived they were both crying. They found a note on his desk but they couldn't read it yet. They were still too shocked by what their son had done.

It was only a few days later when his father dared to peek at what was inside the envelope. He pulled out Mark's last words for them with shaky hands and began to read them.

_I'm sorry, mum, dad, that I have to leave you this way.  
I have to see him again and there is no other way.  
I hope that you understand that. Please don't be too sad,  
we will see each other again when the time is right, I'm  
sure of it. But for now I'll search for him until I have  
found him. I love you._

What was his father supposed to think? He had tears in his eyes, the pain not forgotten since the day Mark decided to leave them.

There were so many questions in his head. Who was the boy his son was talking about? Why didn't he and his wife know about him when he was obviously so important to his son?

He knew that he wouldn't get the answers he so desperately searched for. Even his friends were not able to help him. They claimed that Mark did behave a bit different from before, but that was the time when he was strangely happier out of nowhere. They all thought that it must've been something that he wouldn't tell them. They also wanted to know, but they were just glad that he felt happier than usual.

That was until he locked himself in his room and practically ignored everyone around him.

Was the other boy the reason for that? Even after many more years, they never got their answer to that question.

-

_He put down the pen and shoved the short letter into an envelope. It wasn't really important to him what happened to his parents after he was gone, but he still felt a bit guilty._

_Mark secured the rope on the iron rod on the ceiling. He had practiced the knot for a while now and he wanted to make sure that he did everything right. It was incredibly important that he would succeed on his first try since it would be bad if his parents found him._

_They would force him to stay in the hospital and get therapy there, and it would take a long time until he had the chance for this again, so he had to succeed now._

_Once everything was ready he took a bigger step to stand on a little stool. He looked at the loop right in front of him and put his head through. Once he made sure that everything was the way he wanted it to be he kicked the stool away to let his feet fall._

_They didn't reach the ground and he was hanging in the air. He struggled out of instinct and for a short moment he thought that he may be regretting it._

_However, when he thought of Taeyong every concern was thrown away. The rope was tight around his neck and he couldn't breath anymore. There was no going back._

_A tiny smile spread on his face._

_“I will be coming for you, so please wait for me.”_

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo... what do y'all think?  
> Consider leaving a comment or kudo if you liked it! Goodnight :)
> 
> twitter: [@nevovaturient](https://twitter.com/nevovaturient?s=09)  
> tumblr: [@nevio](https://nevio.tumblr.com)


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